For Jameel

You make the sky look bluer The flowers more colourful The mango taste sweeter The music more rhythmic
Your smile is the most gorgeous I have ever beheld Your laugh makes my inside glow warm with joy Your kisses are pure and sweet You teach me how to be happy In awe In delight You are my delight I love you more than everything More than me, even Your belly button is testimony to our connection Your first home was my uterus I wondered who you would be I was afraid Afraid of failing you Afraid of not loving you But from your first moment in this realm The mere sight of you gave birth to a river of love That has not stopped since A torrent that constantly flows from my heart to yours You are Beautiful As your name proclaims I want to protect you from all hurt and pain From my grief, over your family falling apart I have tried to shield you from my mourning But my tears have shamelessly betrayed me And you sweetly bring me tissues and tell me it’s going to be okay My child. My world. I wanted the best for you I wanted your two favourite people together I wanted both our hugs and kisses showered over you every day I am sorry that I cannot give you that I am so sorry I tried. I tried my best. I wanted you to walk with your hands clasped in each of ours. I wanted us to both be there for you Each day. I wanted you to have a sibling. A brother, a sister, a friend for life. My womb weeps the loss of that unconceived child Who was never born My womb was waiting and ready to give you that. But that’s a gift I am shackled from giving. Forgive me. I try to be brave and strong for you. But the anger, the grief lurks beneath But I breathe and say “God is sufficient for me” This is His decree I entrust you in His care May He keep you joyful Guard you from harm Make you of the righteous The ones who pray The ones who remember Him The ones who love Him The ones who benefit others The ones who are pure of heart May He beautify your soul, as He has made you outwardly so May He make you from among His saints And grant you a good End You are my everything, my heart. Forgive me