The End: Dissipation
Once I was over the initial shock, I asked for a divorce - a battle that took me 10 months before he finally issued it. Our families were involved because I could no longer do this alone. They knew the circumstances and they could see the physical pain that was manifested as a result of the emotional trauma.
He needed to let me go. I needed to heal.
The months leading up to the actual divorce was the most harrowing of my life; the emotional blackmail, the insults, criticising my ability to parent, calling me a cop-out for taking the easy road of divorce and not working through underlying issues…the blame for not knowing how to love him.
Enough! I have had enough! I was done being the doormat financially, emotionally and psychologically. I was done feeling ‘less than’.
The divorce
There was no way this was going to be amicable. In the months leading up to the divorce that became apparent, so I sought legal counsel. There was no other way.
Today I have to navigate co-parenting with someone who still refuses to truly take any responsibility, who is incapable of accountability. He still blames me for wanting the divorce and blames me for all the repercussions thereof, including the children’s psychological and emotional wellbeing and for taking the kids away from him. All the parenting plan does, is make me their primary carer. I have stated numerous times that I am amenable for him to have more contact with them yet when the opportunity presents itself, he uses every excuse not to be with them.
I acknowledge that every story has two sides [sometimes more] and I am certain that his narrative of our life together will read differently. This is the story as experienced from my heart, and through my eyes. Even as I write this, I realise what a watered down instalment this is. But it is what I feel comfortable to share, for now. Alhamdulillah.
And now healing
I should write a book! I do not know where to from here, but I have full faith that Our Mighty Rabb loves me immensely and He (SWT) would not have tested me or my kids if we were not completely capable of overcoming and thriving after this incredible learning opportunity. Shukr, Yaa Rabb.
I am hopeful that perhaps, one day, we will be able to find common ground in a respectful way; that blame is cast aside and our primary focus - as it should be – is to raise and be there for our kids in the best way. Insha Allah.
For now, I am content to do the work on myself: to be kinder to myself, to work through the debilitating guilt, to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart, and to bid farewell to my dreams of a forever unified family. I do not miss him at all but I am sad that my kids do not have both their parents together.
I remain hopeful that what is to come will certainly be better than what has been. Insha Allah.
Advice
My parting thought to anyone struggling with a similar scenario, is to trust your instincts, ask the Almighty for guidance and then trust in Him.