When I was married and unhappy, I fell into negative thinking patterns that lasted most of my ten-year marriage. I saw everything as being an obstacle, an “I can’t”, rather than an “I can”. I felt shackled in many ways, so much so that any passion or creativity hummed down to a comatose state. It was as if I could see my future and how it would all be quite the same.
Being in that frame of mind, there was nothing more terrifying to me than being divorced, which is why I fought it with whatever remnants of might and energy within. Divorce brought on a massive mountain of I cannot, impossible, I am doomed, I am alone, I am single, I am incapable, I am ineligible, I am a failure. That’s why at times I thought that death must be the only way out. I should rather just quietly die, and do everyone a favour.
Now after having put much effort into healing, I am slowly changing these thoughts, behaviours, and philosophies. It seems that I have just reached the tipping point, because I finally find myself more hopeful and optimistic of the future. Slowly, I have switched my thoughts to those of abundance and limitlessness. These efforts create a culmination of small victories that lead to feelings of power. These mini triumphs might be related to seeing more muscle tone after exercising regularly; jumping into the cold ocean; creating something beautiful; receiving sincere validation from a friend; dancing joyfully; or being able to do one push up, finally. Even my breathing has changed. Before, I would breath shallowly, like a depressed or dying person. Now I try to be fully in my body and consciously breathe deeply every time I do a yoga sequence. As my closest friend has said before,“Allah has given you before, and He will give you again.” Those words struck me the moment she said them the first time, and tuning into that mindset has been a powerful shift for me.
I remember in 2019, soon after my ‘iddah ended, morose and bleeding, my son and I attended a spiritual retreat in the Autumn. I met an older woman who is in her second marriage, and after I mentioned my situation to her she said to me, (in no anthropomorphic terms), “Have faith. We imagine, but Allah’s imagination is far greater than ours.” That notion was so difficult for me to comprehend at the time, but looking back, I now see what she meant. I have had glimpses of the Limitless Possibility to what she alluded.
The more I have focused on gratitude, the more I have seen my blessings more vividly. What has God done for me? He has placed me in this beautiful city during the pandemic; put me in the sunshine; close to nature; given me a kindred spirit friend; He has given me not any apartment, but the perfect apartment for me; He has given me people who have supported me financially so I have not had to be burdened with financial worries and have been able to focus on healing instead. He has placed people in my life and created circumstances for me to remind me of my creativity, so that I am now exploring that further. So what else is out there? My heart sometimes feels full with giddiness when I think about the array of possibilities that may come to fruition. Is it as if I am only now truly tasting the meaning of the Qur’anic ayah, “wa la in shakartum la azidannakum.” (And if you are grateful, We will most certainly, absolutely, increase for you 14:7)
Currently I am taking the advice of a friend and experimenting with the Silva method, which aims to access the theta and delta states of consciousness to attract abundance, productivity and creativity into our lives. Every morning, I close my eyes and count from 100 to 0. Thereafter I think of three different “scenes”. Scene one would be identifying the problem. Scene two would be envisioning some kind of effort to remedy the problem (such as applying for a job or taking a remedy). The final scene is envisioning the positive outcome, having achieved that thing that you sought to achieve. When I think of getting a job that I find gratifying and also lucrative, I even visualise the specific salary that I want in my bank account.
This is the magic. As long as you have a good intention and put in the work, God will be there to support you, you just need to know what you want. God has placed people in my life to support me, people who have a limitless attitude to life and experience those magical fruits frequently. Sometimes I have to be around certain individuals who have a low frequency and remind me of all my limitations and paint a bleak and dismal picture of the future. I feel myself getting sucked into that negative vortex of hopelessness and wonder if all my work to start thinking positively about myself and the future was all pure delusion. Perhaps I am beguiling myself, and being like an excited but naive child, when in fact I should actually be the cynical adult, since life is all pain and suffering. When that happens, I remove myself from that company, try to rebalance myself through mindful prayer, meditation or exercise, and connect to those limitless individuals in my life who live this limitless reality. When I talk to them, they make me feel as if all I need to do is step on to the magic carpet, and I can go anywhere I like. You just have to believe that the resources and Divine Aid are out there to make it all manifest. I am thankful for those people who add such tremendous value to my life. I feel supported everyday
We ask God for a good end. Ultimately, there is no power and ability except by Him.