As I lay there holding back the tears, torn with desire and hurt, wondering should I or shouldn’t I make contact and reach out to him just to let him know I am there…’hello, what’s your news’. Distance was such a thing: missing the pleasure that was most probably long forgotten in the mind of an emotionally immature, disconnected ‘man child’.
All that constant checking of his social media status to see if he is online or not, was just a waste of precious time; I grew tired of checking and tired of archiving his name on WhatsApp, because at the end of the day, the stark reality was that there was NO REAL INTEREST or ‘choosing to be with me’. Surely disinterest needed to be reason enough to know that I could find closure, but oh no!
I was holding onto an unhealthy attachment which is not love, though I thought that I must love him because I wanted him to be happy, no matter what; whether we would end up together or not.
As time went on, I grew tired of the hot and cold behaviour, the lack of investment. Breadcrumbs this was! Something I actually mentioned in the very beginning to him and remembered how he asked what it was. It seemed this loaf had been crumbling all over me. The worst was reminding myself that if I went back to him, he would lather all that masculine energy upon me draining me of my own feminine essence, and then shut down and want space and not communicate again until I initiated contact only via text! There was no calling or asking me how I was, just texts and forwarded greetings and videos on and off whenever it suited him or whenever he realised that he had not heard from me in a while.
Dear Sisters, I was not even perturbed in the slightest that when a man on first meeting says to you “There is no woman to marry”. I did not view this as a red flag or even a sign of negativity. After all, we all think that there is no one out there for us - take heed: it meant so much more than a red flag! Because we good souls, sadly in our naivety and positions of vulnerability, can and do easily find ourselves in what is termed ‘relationship limbo’ - a casual situation where temporary online statuses of a man only seeking to control and nourish his ego leaving a woman wondering ‘what are we’, ‘does he like me’, ‘does he want me’ is on offer. A manipulative stance to get their needs met and nothing more.
It was time for all change, six months on from the last time we had met in a mutually agreed location. I thought I would show him, that really this behaviour is not on! Where effort and consistency are key and that I wanted something real, not where someone is only showing up when they are with you and then disappearing when they are not. Such low accountability behaviour and lack of responsibility for their actions is a big turn off. No commitment meant everything he was given could never be appreciated or reciprocated; it was just a one-sided friendship to say the least, emptying me of all the love I had as a single mum of one.
What were the lessons learnt you might ask? Well, in order to invite blessings once again, I learnt about trauma bonding, that a man who is disconnected from himself remains toxic; that they do this thing that keeps naïve women hanging on: it’s called intermittent reinforcement or hot and cold behaviour. It is also an extremely powerful tool of manipulation because it keeps a person waiting around for positive reinforcement, all the while suffering through negativity. This, dear sisters, is something we need to recognise as a significant red flag and not think the situation or the person will change. If we see this behaviour we need to cut it off, otherwise the cycle continues thus making the healing harder, and we in turn start to feel like hamsters on a wheel, or worse still, a burning fare ride car on an emotional rollercoaster to hell.
This relationship limbo confusion eventually messes with our self- esteem, and inevitably pushes us to a point where it can break us.
Hence, dear sisters, trust in yourselves, your gut instincts, when enough lessons and experience become the best of teachers. It is essential that we clear our spaces for the right people to enter that make it possible for us to attract so much more and better in our lives, where our consciousness is expanding, and letting go means we are vibrating higher, creating beautiful lives!
Umm Saf’aa lives in Leeds, UK, is mum to a vivacious four and half year old daughter. An ex-broadcast journalist she has now been teaching English for Academic Purposes to international students. Her time is also served practising yoga, pilates, doing outdoor activities and making candles as a hobby.